Pickling The Beast

Goodnight Sweet Prince

2010-12-08T00:31:00.000-08:00

Here Comes the Sun

2010-12-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

Cave Man

2010-12-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

Well, Chocolate Elvis folded like the house of cards in that episode of the Brady Bunch. He fights like a girl. So, we'll put the question out there:

Should the Democrats primary President Obama? Vote your conscience.

The Fuhrer is a Football Fan

2010-11-30T06:07:00.000-08:00

Now that the dust has settled...a little ditty for y'all, courtesy of the Fuhrer.

Last Leaf

2010-11-16T20:23:00.001-08:00

Well...winter is slowly, closing her icy grip. Crushing me me 'til spring. I hate the cold. Here's the new one from OkGo. Kinda sums it up, neh?

I Thought There Was A Drought in the 775

2010-09-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

Slingshot Hip Hop

2010-08-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

You wanna know how to bring peace to the Middle East? Drop some hip hop on their dumb asses. That shit would work in about a week. After all, the music of the streets doesn't lie.

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Morris Day Would Be Proud

2010-08-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

The Shot

2010-08-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

RIP Bobby.

The Friend of My Enemy

2010-08-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

Daimler-Benz built Nazi tanks to kill Americans...but the Germans are our friends now, so it’s O.K. to drive a Benzo.

Mitsubishi built Japanese Zeros to kill Americans... but the Japanese are our friends now, so it’s O.K. to drive a Montero.

Fiat made airplanes for Mussolini so his troops could kill Americans… the Italians are our friends now, so it’s O.K. to drive one of those little foreign penis extensions.

See a trend?

Thousands of my brothers and sisters died fighting communist China in the Korean War and Vietnamese communists in the Vietnam War. Today China and Vietnam are our friends. Why? They’re still communists, right? They are our “friends” because they let American companies do business in their countries. Seems communism is good, as long as they let American capitalists make money in their country. Seems we’ll fight anyone for the right to exploit their resources. Don’t let us in and you’re on the shit list...I’m talkin’ to you Cuba!

Why do you think the U.S. puts up with BSC motherhubbards like Saudi Arabia, Israel and Pakistan? Because they let our corporations make money off of them. Americans haven’t fought a war for the right reasons since WWII. Since then, all the fighting has been for the wrong reasons. Gives me hope, though. If the Taliban would just let McDonalds or WalMart or BofA do business with ‘em, we’d be their BFF’s. Time will tell.

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dAngle

2010-08-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

Sharron Angle LOVES her JZeus. She’s a conservative Christian in every sense of the word. She has said the God told her to run for U.S. Senate against the heathen Harry Reid. She’s anti-Government, against entitlement programs, immigrants, and, among other things, wants to abolish the Department of Education.

What’s curious is that she actually says she wants to represent Nevadan’s in the very government she says is so bad. She says she’s religious but in all her time in the Nevada state legislature, she never once tried to outlaw gaming, or prostitution, or the loose alcohol laws in the state. Ummm…Didn’t JZeus and His Dad say that gambling and drinking and hooking is bad? Yes. Yes. Yes. But Angle wasn’t listening to her God on those issues.

However, she does hear the voices in her head when it comes to getting rid of the DOE. Makes sense. After all, God didn’t want Adam and Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge. Why? Smart people don’t believe in the Invisible Man in the Sky. Ms. Angle wants us all to walk around wearing fig leaves, just as dumb as a flock of sheep. BTW…ever wonder why a priest calls his peeps “followers” and his “flock?” Now you know.

The thing is…if you read your Bible, you see myriad places where JZeus says to help the sick, elderly and poor. That’s His way of backing universal healthcare, extending unemployment benefits and basically any other entitlement program you can think of. He doesn’t mention abortion, or gay marriage, or immigration (other than “What you do to the least of my children, you also do unto Me.”). So, Ms. Angle…WTF makes you think you can represent Nevada (other than the voices in your head) and do you think the SOG knows that you live here? Just askin’…

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Spiderman

2010-08-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

EMBED-Spiderman Style Baseball Catch - Watch more free videos

Television, the Drug of the Nation

2010-08-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

One of the best parts of working in television is seeing bloopers. That being said, one of the worst parts of producing television, is seeing bloopers.

Going To Pot

2010-08-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

Those of us who live in the Silver State aren’t considered an intelligent bunch. We’re continually at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to things like high school graduation rates, test scores and people goin’ to college.

That said, as Nevadan’s, we pride ourselves on our “live and let live” attitude. We’re the only state in the Union that allows prostitution, we have sports betting and other forms of legal gambling. Heck-fire…we were the divorce capital of the world until the rest of the country shrugged off their Puritanical Underoos and followed suit. So, now we have a dilemma.

They took a poll the other day, as THEY are wont to do, and found out that Nevadan’s are against the legalization and taxation of marijuana. Aye caramba! This, from the same state that gives away alcohol to people who gamble. This from the state that lays claim to “Sin City.” I must be missing something. Nevada is flat broke. No money. It’d seem like a no-brainer to legalize and tax the stuff. But Silver Staters are having none of it. Prostitution? Yes! Cheap alcohol? Yes! Gambling? Yes! Nuclear bombs? You betcha! Pot? NO! I guess now you know why we’re always at the bottom of all those education polls.

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What Will the Evil Empire Do About This?

2010-07-31T14:12:00.000-07:00

Gotta tell ya folks, someone woke up the Progressives. Whadda you think Karl Rove and the Teabaggers are gonna do about this? Ya just know politics is tough when you have to bust Andy Griffith's chops. True story.

Love Me the Weiner

2010-07-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

Girls Gone Wild

2010-07-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

All y’all who’ve read PTB throughout the years know we surely do love the ladies. They’re smart and curvy and, for the most part, smell great. Long-timers will also note that there’s no love lost between PTB and the Catholic Church.

Now, it’s been posited here before that religion, by its nature, is a bunch of hypocritical bullshit. The douchebags with all the power make rules for the rest of us while they do whatever in the hell they want. You listening to me John “Able Semen” Ensign? That being said, this weekend the Catholic Church set a new low. I know what you’re sayin’, “Catholics can hit a new low?” Yup.

Last week, the Vatican announced…wait for it…wait for it…the Vatican announced that ordaining female priests was as bad as pedophilia. Aye caramba! Are they serious about this? Can they really believe that letting a woman become a priest is the equivalent sin of anally raping an eight year old boy? Has the Vatican lost its collective marbles?

Here’s the crux of the biscuit…as long as religions focus on all the things people are not allowed to do, rather than preach what people should do, they’ll soon be on a path to Bolivia. Since the beginning, religions have been dividing people rather than uniting them. Maybe now they’re getting so divisive that no one will want to be a part of it. And JZeus spins in His grave.

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Third Degree

2010-07-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

When I was growin’ up, breaking the Third Commandment got you a Lifebouy dinner date. True story. I never understood why anyone would give a schnizzle when I said, “God damn.” It’s not like JZeus’ Dad was gonna actually damn what the hell I wanted Him to damn. And, after all, if sticks and stones can break my bones but words would never hurt me, why would the Invisible Man in the Sky get bent out of shape over a couple of words?

Later in life, a smart man explained to me that saying God damn wasn’t taking the Lord’s name in vain but saying God told you to do something, was. Now the Third Commandment is my favorite of all the Commandments. Why? Because people can lie to me but they cannot lie to themselves and no, God Didn’t tell them to do ANYTHING! But that doesn’t stop athletes from thanking God for letting them win the big one…or actors thanking God for letting them win a Grammy…or soldiers thanking God for stopping a bullet. The latest to claim Divine intervention? Nevada’s own Sharron Angle.

Last week, the wannabe U.S. Senator from the great state of Nevada said that she’s running against Harry Reid because that’s what God has planned for her. Really? God hates Harry Reid? God is a closet Teabagger? Don’t you think if God wanted Social Security and Medicare dismantled, He could do it Himself? And why Sharron Angle? Why not just talk to the guy that is already in there? Does God think Senator Reid is incompetent? If so, why doesn’t He just zap Reid with a lightning bolt, or give him the plague or, even worse, haunt him with images of Sharron Angle? You know why? Because none of it is true. God didn’t tell Sharron Angle to run for the senate any more than he told voters to give a Grammy to Milli Vanilli. No, Sharron Angle is using God as a supernatural endorsement thinking Nevadans will believe she’s the candidate God wants in office. Maybe God wants her in office, here’s hoping Nevadan’s don’t.

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Singing in the Lame

2010-07-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

So, last night I’m watchin’ Spain hand a beatdown to Die Mannschaft, (which, IMHO, is the single most homo-erotic nickname on the planet)…when the Brit announcer starts blathering on about the political turmoil on the Spanish side. He rambled about rivalries between players and how the caustic atmosphere in the locker room would be the doom of the Furia. Then he used an example that had me skidmarking my Underoos. He mentioned that during this entire World Cup he hadn’t seen one player on the Spanish team sing the country’s national anthem. That was his rationale for why the team had been so dysfunctional.

Now, a lot of players (in all sports) don’t sing their national anthem. It could be because they’re athletes and not American Idols. It could be that they are too busy focusing on the game. Heck-fire, it could be that some of the brotherhubbards don’t know the lyrics to the friggin’ song…all valid excuses. But could hate and anger and animosity be behind Spain’s lack of patriotism? No. You see, out of all the national anthems in the world…wait for it…wait for it…Spain’s national anthem is one of the few WITHOUT WORDS! Those poor bastards couldn’t sing to their national anthem if they wanted to. Well, maybe they could go commando karaoke and make up their own lyrics but that’d be a bit presumptuous. No, during the Spanish national anthem, the whole country stands…and no one sings…been that way forever. Now, if someone would just tell the Brits.

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Goal Mouth

2010-07-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

Goal Mouth noun

Goal Mouth is a malady suffered by soccer fans and is characterized by sore jaw, stiff tongue and raspy throat.

When there is a close shot, or an acrobatic save or, especially, a goal scored, fans go crazy. They abruptly open their mouths which strains the mandible. The noise made, harshens the vocal chords and the back of the throat. The ululation of the sound constantly strains the tongue muscle, resulting in Goal Mouth.

“I sure will be glad when this World Cup is over. I’ve had Goal Mouth for more than three weeks.”

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One Less Fan of Die Mannschaft

2010-07-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

Who Let the Air Out?

2010-06-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

During the Presidential campaign of 2008, then-candidate Barry-O told the unwashed masses that a good way to save money on gas and car repair was to make sure you checked the pressure in your tires. He had a valid point but the tighty-righties blew a proverbial gasket.

“Obama’s energy policy is naïve!” “No tire pressure for oil!” and “Democrats are full of hot air!” screamed the VPILFs and McCains and Boners. They even distributed tire pressure gauges emblazoned with “Obama’s Energy Plan.” Problem was, Chocolate Elvis was right and the right was wrong. Fast forward to today…

A Nevada legislative subcommittee is recommending a law that would require mechanics to check their customer’s tire pressure. The reason being, it saves gas, creates less wear and tear on vehicles and pollutes less. Good idea, right? Not to some Nevadans. In the comment section of the RGJ story, there was pissing and moaning and hand wringing and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. “Keep the government out of my tires” and “It’s the next step toward socialism” and “What will they mandate next? Prostate exams?” State Senator Heidi Gansert (R) said it is a “personal responsibility issue.” Really? Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…

First of all, it wouldn’t cost a penny for a mechanic to check your tire pressure while you car is already in the shop. Secondly, having the correct tire pressure really does work. Less pollution, more gas mileage…hell, I’m all for that. But two things chapped my ass reading this story.

One was the thought on personal responsibility. Ya know, it’s the Government’s responsibility to help keep us safe. Does Ms. Gansert want us to abolish the FDA and let us take personal responsibility to make sure there isn’t any poison in our food? Or maybe close the EPA so we can take it upon ourselves to check for lead in our Chinese-made toys? Shut down the military so we can defend ourselves against the bad guys? Aye caramba! Right-wing nutcases at their best. But let me ask something of the Teabagging, uneducated, Limbaugh-loving, rednecks that populate the 775...

I understand y’all say you’re for smaller government. Fewer regulations, less taxation, more freedom…so why do you support the government telling women they cannot get an abortion? Why do you insist on the government sponsoring the biggest navy, the biggest army and the biggest air force in the world? Why in the hell, if you are for smaller government, do you want the Feds to send troops to the Mexican border to fight illegal immigration and to the Gulf of Mexico to help clean up BP’s clusterfuck? Why in the hell do you insist that it’s O.K. for the Feds to tap your phone and your computer? Why? Because you are small-minded, xenophobic, hypocritical, cracker-assed crackers and you only want the government to stop people from doing things you disapprove of. FUCK YOU!!! the sooner you go back to wherever the hell you came from, the better.

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Futbol Feelings

2010-06-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

GEEZ…the refs have been so bad in this World Cup that their crappy calls are overshadowing what’s turning out to be a great tournament. Hell those officials need glasses. Wait, those refs are so bad they have glasses already but their eye doctor must be Rand Paul. Aye caramba!

Having watched almost every game of the 2010 World Cup, I’ve gotta ask…why do national anthems have to be solemn? I understand some countries’ anthems are rife with history, and war, and, death and whatnot…but not all of ‘em. Why can’t people just belt their national anthems like they were karaokeing Pat Benatar on a Friday night? Have a bit of fun people…it’s the World Cup, not George Bush’s inauguration.

One of the coolest things about watching soccer on television is the awesomeness of the announcers from Great Britain. In one ten minute span I heard the terms: “Impudent little flick,” “tight little ball” and “sloppy effort.” High comedy indeed…especially if you have a dirty mind like me.

And finally…it happens all the time in American sports. A batter strikes out, a kicker misses a field goal, a player gets called for a foul. The director cuts to a slo-motion closeup of the irate sportsman and inevitably they’ll drop and F-Bomb. Not an audible one (no nat sound on replay) but definitely a visible one. During the past two weeks I’ve seen no fewer than a dozen slo-mo, replay F-Bombs dropped by people who don’t even speak English. A beaten goalie, an inaccurate striker, a yellow-carded midfielder…director cuts to the slo mo closeup and Whadda you see? A visibly, angry, frustrated FUCK! Whether they speak French, or German, or Dutch or Swahili, same thing…“FUCK!” Glad to see American sportsmanship translate to international soccer.

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Separated at Birth

2010-06-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

Funny how you never see Seinfeld's Jason Alexander and England striker Wayne Rooney in the same place together. Coincidence? I think not.

Why Teabaggers Can Bite Me

2010-06-25T17:29:00.000-07:00

They're not chanting "Beat L.A!

They're not chanting "WOLF!..."PACK!"

They're not chanting "Boston Sucks!"

No, this is the kind of stuff that unites Americans. Something you bass-ackward, hatemongering, hypocritical, fascist, racist, xenophobic, soccer-hatin', can't spell, cracker-assed crackers know nothing about.

Yanks v Black Stars tomorrow at 11a. 'Til then...a little something to make you realize we are all Sam's Army. Courtesy of Robby Donoho. WOOT!

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I Think We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

2010-06-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

Y’all might remember this story: A while back, one bad-assed Carcharodon carcharias was munchin’ on Amity Islanders like they were Krispy Kremes. The PoPo was freakin’ out…the short dude from The Goodbye Girl was freakin’ out…everyone on the island was freakin’ out ‘ceptin’ the one dude who should have been…the Mayor. You know, the guy in charge.

That story reminds me of what’s happening in the Gulf of Mexico. We’ve got this life-devouring monster killing wildlife and wetlands and, in the future, people – and politicians are acting like Mayor Larry Vaughn. Caribou Barbie? “Drill Baby Drill.” Governor Alfred E. Neumann? “A drilling moratorium will kill jobs.” Senator sucking at the monetary teat of big oil? “I’m sorry that you have to pay.”

What we need right now is a real-life Sam Quint. Someone to screech his fingernails down the chalkboard of our collective brain pans. Someone with the huevos rancheros to take down this beast. Someone who is in this thing to help the American people…unlike government-cheese dicks looking out for the one thing they really care about…their careers. Any takers?

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Timeout

2010-06-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

Since the USo'A's futball team plays the Desert Eagles today...and I'm rolling the old Betamax on the game, I've been off the grid. No news, no Facebook, no e-mails. Frankly, it is KILLING me. I hear whisperings of the BP clusterfuck gettin' attacked by robots, Rock Me G. Patraeus guest hosting for Stanley Mac and the state of Arizona burning into some kind of weird Cajun dish. Not good. So, to cheer us all up, we've got my boy Linus Van Pelt singing a hit song from the Police. Yup, that'll do it.

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Adieu Les Bleus

2010-06-22T12:01:00.000-07:00

You’ve got to hand it to the Frogs…no team in international football has the diva thing down quite like Les Bleus. Alas, we won’t have them to entertain us anymore. This morning hosts Bafana Bafana dropped a deuce on Thierry Henry and company, sending France home in defeat and disgrace.

IMHO, the funniest story line to come out of the French team’s debacle is the tongue lashing they got from former star player Zinedine Zidane. Zidane criticized the team for its “ridiculous, childish behavior.” What a load of crap. Y’all rember Z2 dontcha? Last World Cup he got red carded in the final game for givin’ Marco Materazzi the old Glasgow Kiss. Talk about a classy guy. Getting scolded by Zinedine Zidane for acting like idiotic morons is like being called dumb by George W. Bush. True story.

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The Longest Day

2010-06-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

Ah, the summer solstice one of my favorite times of the year. In honor...a little ditty from Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Now, let's hit the pool!

Utah...Metah...Wetah

2010-06-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

A lot of people give the LDS church a ration of shit. People say it’s a cult. Some people don’t consider the LDSers Christians, and it’s just plain creepy that they run the entire state of Utah. Well, the Mormons and other Beehive Staters proved them all correct yesterday when the government-cheese executed convicted killer Ronnie Lee Gardner.

While I may be a progressive in some aspects, when it comes to the death penalty, I’m almost always for it’s swift use. The exception is any black man living below the Mason-Dixon Line…you Klansmen out there know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. But I have a real problem in this case.

The problem isn’t with the execution itself…the problem I have is that it was done in Utah. You see, if the state of Utah is run by the Mormon Church and the Mormon Church believes itself to be Christian, WTF are they doing executing anyone? Hell, the Utah Attorney General even TWEETED from the death chamber. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT CHRISTIAN? From what I’ve read in the Christian Bible, there are a million places where JZeus and His Dad talk about how killing is wrong. They talk about forgiveness and mercy. Do the Mormons follow those tenets of their Holy Book? No. But they sure have their magic underwear in a bunch over gay marriage…something that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible.

As long as the State of Utah has the death penalty as an option…no matter how heinous the crime, they’re not Christians. Hell, they’re no better than the perp they’re poppin’ caps at. Hypocrites? Yes. Men and women of God? No way in Hell.

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La Copa Rota

2010-06-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

They sure the hell do a lot more with Legos than when I was a kid. Below...England v USA.

There is a Reason They Call it the World Cup

2010-06-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend several friends of mine were giving me shit because of my love of soccer. The read the last PTB posting and were not impressed. So, while I was watching the U.S. v England game on Saturday they pounced. “It’s not REAL football,” they said. “It’s a boring game,” they insisted. They have the right to their own opinions but there is a special reason I hold international football close to my proverbial bosom.

Compared to the rest of the world, the United States sucks in soccer. It’s not like basketball back in the “Dream Team” days when we’d beat everyone a hundred to bupkis. No, soccer is one of those sports where the United States team has to be the scrappy, can-do, anything's possible Americans rather than the "know-it-all, holier-than-thou," ugly American most of the world makes us out to be. I don’t mind being the underdog to the rest of the world. But we’re getting better. You cannot be the best unless you beat the best. Well, England is one of the best. And for one game on Saturday, we were just as good.

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The Cup Runneth Over

2010-06-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

For a football lover like me, there is nothing better than the World Cup. This football doesn’t pit Los Angeles against New York or Miami against Denver like American football does. No, this football pits the likes of Germany against Serbia (just like WWII) and the United States against England (just like 1776!). The international flavor of World Cup football is one of its biggest draws. Which brings me to North Korea.

A couple of days ago Yahoo Sports did a profile on the North Korean football team. The comment section quickly filled up with vitriolic statements like, “If you don’t win, they’ll execute you” and “Your country sucks” and “I hope you all die.” Aye caramba!

Now, I know there are a lot of haters out there. Heck-fire…I’m one of ‘em but this is the World Cup...THE WORLD FRIGGIN' CUP...you could, at least, admit that North Korea is a football team that has earned a place in the tournament and should be treated with the same respect as every other team in the tournament. Don't hate their politics, love their football. I’m no fan of Angela Merkel but I don’t go ‘round calling the German team Nazis. And I’m no fan of l’il Kim either but these players have earned the right to play on the world’s most prestigious stage…even if they are the biggest long shots in the tournament.

Remember...sports fans LOVE an underdog and no team is more underdogged than North Korea. I , for one, hope North Korea plays their collective arses off and give Joga Bonito, and the rest of us, a game...no, a World Cup for the ages. Oh yeah, and one other thing…

QUEEN ELIZABETH IS BUTT UGLY…PRINCE CHARLES HAS A SMALL PENIS AND FISH AND CHIPS TASTE LIKE ASS!!!

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